10 Ways to Guarantee Grumpiness

Make a big deal of everything.

Sure, we all have things we really care about, but what do we gain by insisting it’s our way or it’s no way? Stress.

It’s amazing how the tension evaporates from our shoulders when someone says, “I’m fine with that”, or “That could work.”

Have the wrong pet, or be the wrong owner.

If you think your pet always looks like this, or perhaps that your pet would like to kill you, then it’s time to think outside the litter box.

Your style might not work with this pet, and changing how you spend time with your pet might make you both happier.

Or maybe someone else might love the little scoundrel more.

Make your mother look like this.

Everyone wants to be treated with respect, or at least with courtesy. Know when you’re having a bad day and don’t take it out on those closest to you.

They love you, but hey, you have a lot of say over what words come out of your mouth.

Eat a lot of junk food.

Eating a lot of fatty snacks is a wonderful luxury, and a growing source of grief and grumpiness.

When we put on pounds we lose the spring in our step, and like it or not, feeling heavy is a drag.

When did we forget how fantastic fruit is? Be an emperor and eat some grapes!

Insist on doing life on your own.

We all need some time to ourselves — even extroverts (such as when they vote). Everyone needs to have friends, to share good times and get through bad times.

When we think that two heads aren’t better than one then we’re also saying two hearts aren’t better than one.

People need community, and it’s often just a smile away.

Don’t get enough sleep.

This is an excellent way to make not only yourself but lots of people around you grumpy. And unlike eating too many fatty snacks you can generate gallons of grumpiness very quickly.

There are some types of fun that require staying up really late and listening to either drunken people yelling or long-dead actors on TV.

But surprisingly, most things in life can happen within our usual sleeping cycle. Cut out a bit early and wake up feeling refreshed.

Drink more than you know you should.

What are we, still 15 years old? Bio-chem students might seem a bit nerdy but they do know an essential secret: that alcohol at high levels is toxic, messy, and a great source of vitamin G (yes, G is for Grumpiness).

Don’t be like this pumpkin — all orange and dumping their insides. You’ll still have fun.

Try to do too much.

This isn’t just about work, but about all areas of our lives. When did overdoing everything become a national contest?

There will always be more things to do than we have time for and the skills for. Working together on projects is a great way to make headway and to share the joy of progress. We need to be able to say “no”, ask for help, and find a new balance of quality and quantity.

If your life is a parody of a soccer Mom then it’s time for a time out.

Treat small mistakes like the end of the world.

Things go wrong — every day — but rarely will they bring down the sky. We have a vested interest in the current moment of our life and when it goes wrong it can surprise us. People can get frustrated and defensive. They can even go beyond grumpy to all-out anger.

Be kind and forgiving to yourself and those around you. Instead of making a big deal, try a shrug and say “Oops” when things go wrong. You’ll find most mistakes are quickly forgotten.

Take all the credit.

We all contribute, but in different ways.

Each day is part of a long term project called life, and the task that just got done is threaded through the lives of people who helped along the way — whether you know or appreciate them or not.

Celebrate victories with gusto, and small successes too — prevent grumpiness by acknowledging shared efforts.

We aren’t living in cold caves like smelly cavemen. Enjoy sharing the spotlight, and be thankful for living in community.

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Cats and Dogs are just a bit different

While some people cannot tell the difference between cats and dogs, there are actually ways to tell them apart.

Cats can be eaten by frogs.

Unlike the more manic and fast-moving dog, sleepy-headed cats can find themselves gnawed on by a stealthy frog — particularly the Wide-mouthed Couch frog.

Cat owners should be checking under their sofa seats to ensure that their favorite feline can catch a nap without fear of frog slobber.

[Advertising opportunity: Does your company sell a safe and reliable frog slobber dauber, or kitty-sized jaws of life? Global warming will double, yes double, the need for cat-extraction technology, as well as the need to provide homes and distribution channels for these lovable and misunderstood Wide-mouth Couch frogs. Contact us!]

Dogs are bigger than cats.

While dogs are generally larger than cats, both dog and cat legs usually reach the ground — unlike those in this rare photo of the North American Ground-dwelling Dog.

Similar to camels, dogs can often go for long periods of time without a meal or a fatty snack — sometimes up to half an hour!

[Advertising opportunity: The market is growing for fatty snacks, preferably those suitable for the human/dog crossover market. Think “meaty-fruity-fibre”. Doggy wagons (to put the dog into, not to be pulled by the dog) are also needed. No frail wagons, please! These dogs can dent pavement! Contact us!]

Cats can see farther than dogs.

Thanks to their higher-altitude perches on sofas, computer keyboards and otherwise clean kitchen counters, cats can see things farther away — at least in those moments between napping duties.

While parrots were the choice of most fictional pirates, the Japanese Standing Cat — seen checking the horizon for seafaring mice — narrowly missed its chance to stand tall and proud, like a fluffy gopher.

[Training opportunity: Japanese Standing Cats will soon be joining the opera tour circuit of Europe, and showing up in other fancy places, as the warm-up act and body-doubles for shy opera singers. Problem: none of the them (I mean “cats” here) seem to speak either English or European. This is a major opportunity to surge ahead in the exciting opera-focused entertainment arena. Contact us!]

Dogs travel further and faster.

Seen here in a high-speed travel holster, modern dogs use both their own legs as well as motion-assisting devices, including cars, circus ponies, and high speed mag-lev trains — basically they are happy being out and about, on their way to another snack or sniff-fest.

While few dogs are able to book their own travel, they are eager to be on their way, running to the door at the first sound of words resembling “walk”, “run” or “What is wrong with this dog?” This is unlike cats, which would wear a groove into the linoleum between the food dish, litter box and sofa if their paws weren’t so absolutely dainty.

[Advertising opportunity: We’re looking for companies who can convince all women to carry dogs in the travel holsters we had designed for us by a previous Manufacturing opportunity. Help us!]

Cats are cleaner.

Thanks to advances in water-free tubs and tuna-flavored soaps, cats around the world are swirling their fur balls down the drain.

Unlike dogs, which are satisfied with sleeping on dirty welcome mats, cats know that a shiny coat, clean butt and “it’s all about me” attitude are vital social attributes for getting past the door and closer to the couch.

Plus, cats taste great, both during grooming and after! [At least to cats.]

[Research opportunity: The water-free tubs currently preferred by cats don’t actually exist. We’re looking for researchers to help us figure out what other things cats might pretend they own. Think about contacting us!]

Dogs have a lot on their minds.

As this photo shows, dogs are clearly brilliant thinkers. It can take a lot of planning, insight and careful strategy to be as close to food as possible without annoying your master.

While cats might become aloof and cranky when they don’t make the lecture circuit, dogs see this down-time as an opportunity to consider weighty issues, such as fat-to-fibre snack ratios, maximizing head pats, and the effects of air fresheners on both wet and dry noses.

[There are no research opportunities here — the dogs are already handling all the deep thinking.]

Yes, cats and dogs are just a bit different !

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