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Money problems, type 1: Muddled Mind

by Rob Hueniken on Saturday, March 17, 2012

even doctors with stethoscopes might be concernedA recent outbreak of larger than average money has wealth care professionals concerned about the mental challenges of the newly gilded extremely rich.

In the past, high levels of wealth have been passed down through generations of offshore account holders, many of whom had perfectly proper family support and extensive training in the practice of falutiness and high falutiness.

While there is no doubt that hedge fund managers, corporate CEOs and plumbers are fully due their distinguished income levels, there is concern that some of them might show symptoms of the age-old wealth condition called Muddled Mind.

hieroglyphics-were-invented-to-describe-the-kings-pileFirst documented in ancient Egypt, where kings invented hieroglyphics as a way to tell future rich people just how big their pile was, Muddled Mind results from the direct connection of the brain's power-seeking nodule to its nearby fantasy nodule. This fantasy-power circuit is believed to be formed from gold atoms ingested and inhaled during a rich person's well-deserved fun.

Well-balanced, truffle and caviar-fed rich people can usually compensate for a cranial gold density of 5 to 10 percent, but newly gilded rich people — often fed steak and tequila — can "short the circuit" at levels far below that.

A key challenge in detecting Muddled Mind is that a rich person's entourage and family may have become "Muddle Tolerant" over years of wealth-appropriate self-involvement and light-hearted disdain for those less rich. It can be a real surprise when a rich person realizes that what began as a suitable and acceptable desire to wield power over others is bent, ever so slightly, into a condition that humor writers might consider important.

thank-goodness-we-only-lost-one-homeThe concern with the most recent wealth outbreak is that it has come so quickly after the collapse of the housing market, causing a wealth-rebound effect. It is difficult for a regular person to understand the distressing mental effects of going from being extremely wealthy in 2007, to being down a bit for close to five years, only to find one's self buoyed back up again to one's proper level of wealth in what seems like no time at all.

It has been an unsettling time that caused many a rich person to lie low for those five years, idling quietly on a smaller yacht (with its less than spacious living room), away from a vindictive and misinformed media (now corrected and enhanced!), and the positively dreadful yowling of people losing their relatively insignificant financial nuggets (most regular folks only lost one home).

Fortunately, most of our nation's richest civic cornerstones trusted that the purity of a free market, the effectiveness of their think tanks, and the softening of some serious old money laws (from the unrelated, post-Depression era) would put them back on top, even further, again. Those rich people are likely immune from Muddled Mind detection, but it may be worth having one of your clones tested, just to be sure.

But for very rich people who might still become aware of having Muddled Mind, a diagnosis chart has been prepared.

Click here to see the poster of Money-problems-type-1-muddled-mind-post-link-2a

And since this note is wealth-inclusive (right down to the smallest possible level of wealth, say of 1 million dollars net worth — nothing!), if you are not a rich person, but there are rich people in your life that you care about — possibly as a future employer or in other  productive roles (no matter how unlikely that seems now) — you are urged to help them to obtain a true or similarly-believed assessment of their fantasy-power short-circuit likelihood. Knowing rich people's generous expressions of Muddled Mind could be a good investment of your time.

To end on an encouraging note: While new symptoms of Muddled Mind are arising every day, it is anticipated that most of the world's money will soon be restricted to a finite number of rich people, so that further spreading of the condition will be limited. So take heart!

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We are all pre-billionaires, so be happy!

by Rob Hueniken on Thursday, March 15, 2012

While we're often too busy to call them up, our media and welfare offices keep reminding us that our world has a growing number of very rich, very friendly people — just starving for a big "Howdy". There they are, dripping with ample advice and fancy pool water, and we don't even give them a call! It's like we forgot how to be social!

one day we will be billionaires too

But good news! We are all on our way to joining those lofty ranks and relaxing, cheek by jowl, with our rich future friends.

Because just when you thought that hedge funds have trickled up every possible dollar, clever fund managers are finding new and newly-legal ways to wrangle the loose change up from us working folks. It's very encouraging!

So with the ranks of billionaires continuing to grow, us regular folks need to hang in there and wait for our turn. Sure, we might have to work really long hours and multiple service sector jobs, but pretty soon we are going to catch our big wave up! Yes, sirree!  We are soon going to fly up past those maxed out credit cards, through the heady realm of debt-free bliss, to that most glorious and serene income level: the billionaire!  What a sweet time that is going to be.

Surrounded by our very rich, super happy friends, being served by other, very rich, super happy waiters and drivers ("chafers"), we are going to rock the lazy pool of comfort 24/7.  All our friends and family are going to be there, hanging with us, and texting those last few buddies who haven't quite made the jump out of tax land.


And our high flying travel plan? We're going to ride the small business rocket sleds of commerce, up from the humble but exciting beginnings of underfunded, seat-of-the-pants start-ups, past the rock-em-sock-em challenges of competing with big box stores, corporations and global labor, right to the top!

We are going to find that one little niche (maybe even a micro-niche!) that no-one's got locked down yet and sail on up and out of debt. Ya, baby!

we are all pre-billionairesWe thought we had it pretty good when labor laws and taxing the rich were working for us! Old school! Now we're working for ourselves! You ain't seen nothing until you're getting calls from already-rich people's lawyers, saying you've infringed on one hard to explain thing or another, and telling them: "Stand back, lawyer guy. I am on my way up!"

We've got to feel so indebted to this nation's politicians, think tankers, radio dynamos and super-friendly already-rich folks for pointing out this better way for the little guy. Who needs unions? We're on the Right side now, and that means we don't need any handouts, wage protection or special treatment. We just need to free up our future, and transform our rag-tag fleet of small businesses into super-sized, all-in battleships of happy prosperity.

Imagine — the whole bunch of us: billionaires! It is going to be so unbelievable!

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Just a bit different – Cats and Dogs

by Rob Hueniken on Friday, October 9, 2009

While some people cannot tell the difference between cats and dogs, there are actually ways to tell them apart.

cat-eaten-by-frog Cats can be eaten by frogs.



Unlike the more manic and fast-moving dog, sleepy-headed cats can find themselves gnawed on by a stealthy frog — particularly the Wide-mouthed Couch frog.

Cat owners should be checking under their sofa seats to ensure that their favorite feline can catch a nap without fear of frog slobber.

[Advertising opportunity: Does your company sell a safe and reliable frog slobber dauber, or kitty-sized jaws of life? Global warming will double, yes double, the need for cat-extraction technology, as well as the need to provide homes and distribution channels for these lovable and misunderstood Wide-mouth Couch frogs. Contact us!]

dogs-are-bigger-than-cats Dogs are bigger than cats.



While dogs are generally larger than cats, both dog and cat legs usually reach the ground — unlike those in this rare photo of the North American Ground-dwelling Dog.

Similar to camels, dogs can often go for long periods of time without a meal or a fatty snack — sometimes up to half an hour!

[Advertising opportunity: The market is growing for fatty snacks, preferably those suitable for the human/dog crossover market. Think "meaty-fruity-fibre". Doggy wagons (to put the dog into, not to be pulled by the dog) are also needed. No frail wagons, please! These dogs can dent pavement! Contact us!]

cats-are-taller Cats can see farther than dogs.



Thanks to their higher-altitude perches on sofas, computer keyboards and otherwise clean kitchen counters, cats can see things farther away — at least in those moments between napping duties.

While parrots were the choice of most fictional pirates, the Japanese Standing Cat — seen checking the horizon for seafaring mice — narrowly missed its chance to stand tall and proud, like a fluffy gopher.

[Training opportunity: Japanese Standing Cats will soon be joining the opera tour circuit of Europe, and showing up in other fancy places, as the warm-up act and body-doubles for shy opera singers. Problem: none of the them (I mean "cats" here) seem to speak either English or European. This is a major opportunity to surge ahead in the exciting opera-focused entertainment arena. Contact us!]

dogs-travel-farther Dogs travel further and faster.



Seen here in a high-speed travel holster, modern dogs use both their own legs as well as motion-assisting devices, including cars, circus ponies, and high speed mag-lev trains — basically they are happy being out and about, on their way to another snack or sniff-fest.

While few dogs are able to book their own travel, they are eager to be on their way, running to the door at the first sound of words resembling "walk", "run" or "What is wrong with this dog?" This is unlike cats, which would wear a groove into the linoleum between the food dish, litter box and sofa if their paws weren't so absolutely dainty.

[Advertising opportunity: We're looking for companies who can convince all women to carry dogs in the travel holsters we had designed for us by a previous Manufacturing opportunity. Help us!]

cats-are-cleanerPhoto by austinite Cats are cleaner.



Thanks to advances in water-free tubs and tuna-flavored soaps, cats around the world are swirling their fur balls down the drain.

Unlike dogs, which are satisfied with sleeping on dirty welcome mats, cats know that a shiny coat, clean butt and "it's all about me" attitude are vital social attributes for getting past the door and closer to the couch.

Plus, cats taste great, both during grooming and after! [At least to cats.]

[Research opportunity: The water-free tubs currently preferred by cats don't actually exist. We're looking for researchers to help us figure out what other things cats might pretend they own. Think about contacting us!]




Photo by FreeDigitalPhotos

Dogs have a lot on their minds.



As this photo shows, dogs are clearly brilliant thinkers. It can take a lot of planning, insight and careful strategy to be as close to food as possible without annoying your master.

While cats might become aloof and cranky when they don't make the lecture circuit, dogs see this down-time as an opportunity to consider weighty issues, such as fat-to-fibre snack ratios, maximizing head pats, and the effects of air fresheners on both wet and dry noses.

[There are no research opportunities here -- the dogs are already handling all the deep thinking.]

Yes, cats and dogs are just a bit different !



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Thumbnail image for 10 ways to guarantee grumpiness

10 ways to guarantee grumpiness

October 9, 2009

Make a big deal of everything.
Sure, we all have things we really care about, but what do we gain by insisting it's our way or it's no way? Stress.
It's amazing how the tension evaporates from our shoulders when someone says, "I'm fine with that", or "That could work."

Have the wrong pet, or be the wrong owner.
If you think your pet always looks like this, or perhaps that your pet would like to kill you, then it's time to think outside the litter box.
Your style might not work with this pet, and changing how you spend time with your pet might [...]

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